Alright, sit down.
We need to talk about you.
Because Carbs is losing it.
Not a little.
Not politely.
Full meltdown.
Full telenovela.
Full “crying into a croissant while staring out a window like it’s raining even though it’s not.”
And it’s your fault.
You were sneaking around with Carbs like you were starring in a dramatic romance trailer.
You whispered “just one bite” like it was a confession.
You held Carbs like you were about to be separated by a closing elevator door.
Then choose to go back to Keto.
Back to your structured, stable, “I’m a new man now” routine.
Back to your meal plans.
Back to your macros.
Back to your “I feel lighter” speeches.
Carbs is thrilled.
Carbs is glowing.
Carbs is absolutely not Googling “how to get over someone who chooses Keto.”
You know what’s hilarious?
You always bragged about how Keto kept you “calm,” how Keto made you feel “focused,” how Keto helped you “stay on track.”
And yet every time you sprint toward Carbs like she was the last slice of cake at a birthday party.
Remember when you said you were having “just a small bite”?
That wasn’t a bite.
That was a reunion special.
That was a comeback tour.
That was a documentary on emotional weakness.
But now?
Now you’re pretending Carbs was just a “moment.”
A “slip.”
A “cheat day.”
Carbs was not a cheat day.
Carbs was a whole season arc.
Carbs was the cliffhanger.
Carbs was the reason viewers tune in.
You craved Carbs.
You whispered things like “I missed this” and “I needed you.”
You looked at Carbs with the kind of passion like never before .
And yet…
You went back to Keto.
You’re walking around proud of yourself.
You’re avoiding Carbs like they’re paparazzi.
You’re pretending bread is invisible.
You’re treating pasta like it’s radioactive.
You’re acting like pancakes are a trap set by the universe.
Meanwhile Keto is there, calm, supportive, structured, the nutritional equivalent of a well-organized closet.
She’s cheering you on.
She’s helping you feel balanced.
She’s giving you stability.
And honestly?
Carbs gets it.
Keto is good for you.
Keto is consistent.
Keto is the one you choose when you’re trying to be your best self.
But Carbs also knows you.
One day, maybe after a long week, maybe after a stressful event, maybe after you forget what actual joy tastes like you’ll think of Carbs.
You’ll remember how comforting Carbs was.
How dramatic .
How messy.
How fun.
And maybe you’ll want to come back.
Maybe you won’t.
Either way…
Carbs is leaving .
Not angry.
Not offended.
Just dramatically eating a croissant, waiting for the next time you “accidentally” pass by a bakery.
